My wife is the worst partner in the world!
I’ve been married for two-and-a-half years now and live abroad. It was an arranged marriage. It’s been a rocky relationship right from the start. Even after our engagement, she yelled at me and used obscene language at me for a ‘non-issue’. And post marriage, things started to get even bleaker.
She thinks everything that happens in the world is a conspiracy against her. She complains about everything and everybody and is not even consistent in her complaints. She verbally abuses me, my family, my siblings at every given opportunity. We absolutely had no physical relationship for the first year and a half of our marriage. She hated me touching her. And now looking at her friends having kids she is forcing it on me. During the so-called “fertile days” of a month, she would do all the dramas to get physical and then won’t show interest at all in the remaining days.
She probably does not love me. Everything she does is for her social status. She never defends me on anything. She hates to see me grow. She thinks I am her competition. She de-motivates me on anything new I take up. She would simply say, you cannot do it, even if it as simple as me joining a tennis class. She competes with me on everything. I feel very lonely in this relationship. And moreover, I feel really scared to go home fearing she might explode and start abusing me and my family. Should I give up and start living my life. Any attempt to fix this always ends up in vain. Her dad expired and her mum aggravates the situation exponentially every time. She is so possessive of her daughter. My parents and brother also want me to somehow put up with this as they are scared of the societal pressures back home and humiliations post-divorce. Please advise –
Answer by Dr Trupti Jayin:
Marriage is not a lifetime commitment but a contractual arrangement between two people. This contract continues till either one of the partners decides to break or complete the contract. Divorce, separation and death are ways in which partners decide to break the contracts. This is to be done with understanding and taking into account whether the lessons which were decided have been learnt, completed or postponed.
We are energetic beings encased in a physical form. Few of us have decided on marriage as a route to learning about loving another person intimately through this contractual arrangement. You married your wife, and have tried to make things work, but you say that she is suffering from suspiciousness, paranoia and a sharp tongue. This is causing you grief and you are staying with her under duress. This is not making you nor her happy. So, if this relationship has to last in this lifetime, consider the pointers enumerated below.
1) It is said that each one is a mirror for the other. You can begin to behave in a more loving manner towards her, though she is abusive. It may be difficult initially, but keep letting her know that her words are not affecting you as you don’t wish to entertain them. They are falling on deaf ears. This may initially get her agitated, but after some time, she may stop. When she speaks ill about your family, let her know that she call them up and let them know her feelings. You can even dial the number and give the phone to her. This may surprise her and in time she may be out of her tricks to humiliate her. Be firm and stand tall.
2) Be assertive with her. Let her know what you are feeling and seeking from this marriage. Don’t take any nonsense from her, which means don’t do anything under pressure. If you give in, she may manipulate you further. Be firm on your needs and expectations from her. If her behaviour upsets you, let her know and inform her that if this inappropriate behaviour continues, you will be forced to take strong steps which will make her unhappy and the marriage defunct. Sometimes, threat appropriately used works.
3) You have mentioned that your family is pressurising you to stay in the marriage and you are feeling the heat. I am sure if you make them understand the trauma you are going through and how it is affecting your health they may step in and talk to your wife’s family. It’s your life and you have all the right to decide how you wish to live it and with whom. This does not mean that you are disobeying your parents. They will understand in time to come.
4) She could be having a paranoid personality disorder. You need to consult a psychiatrist who could help with the diagnosis and treatment.
5) Intimacy is a meeting of two people on live who understands each other’s needs. Obviously, this is not present in your marriage so it’s better not to plan for a baby. This could complicate things for the future. Please don’t get carried away by your parents saying,” If you gave a child things will get better….they never do.”
6) You could learn reiki, pranic healing or do a session of past life therapy to understand your relationship better.
Destiny is not carved in stone, we have free will which can be exercised. It’s our trump card to win. All the best.